Gay rape fantasies: What do our kinks say about us?
By: Brodie Turner
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content warning: this article discusses rape and sexual trauma.
I remember trying to work out how he made the typo. “I want to rape your cock with my hole.” How could he make such an error? He wasn’t to know how triggering that statement would be to me, so I bit back angst to calmly respond with, “as someone who has been raped, I’m not sure I’m into that idea.” I think I threw in a sweaty-brow-laugh emoji to take the edge off, but nonetheless I was instantly blocked.
Several occasions followed of being flirted at with lines like “I don’t want your consent” and “I want to rape your mouth so bad”, to which I’d always respond that some people might be upset by that and then I’d get blocked. Eventually, I spoke to a friend who told me this language has become par for the course, and I shouldn’t be too worried or take it too personally. Apparently rape has become shorthand for rough sex and kinks around safety and denial.
I suppose that’s reasonable. Very rarely is sex between LGBTQI people depicted as consensual, if at all, in mainstream content. I’m afraid even the argument for films like Call Me By Your Name can be brooked by the fact the sexual engagement depicted is statutory rape and assault. Love, Simon is off to a good start. At least it’s a far cry from Mysterious Skin, 13 Reasons Why, Annabel, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, Brokeback Mountain and Perks of Being a Wallflower to name a few.
Innocent fantasy can belie something more sinister. Photo: torbakhopper. Licensed under Creative Commons 2.0.
Having no representation in sexual education during adolescence, and nothing to model behaviour from besides straight sex, my first understandings of sex, like many queer people, was in the world of pornography. I discovered that when the consent between porn actors happens off camera, we as viewers aren’t exposed to that process.
All we see is the squirming and screaming, and then sometimes if you scrub to the end there’s an epilogue from the performer assuring people that they had fun. And what do we learn? To equate eroticism of flesh with the fears of abuse. What is the difference between a “no” in play, and a “no” in pain? What about the difference between a moan of pleasure, and a moan of pressure?
I don’t believe men want to rape me like they say they do. I don’t believe men want me to rape them like they say they do. I believe as a community we might have been manipulated into being aroused by the prospect of being taken by force. To the point where our arousal is realer than our concern for what that means for the safety and mental health of all parties.
Consent has been withheld from our community at large. When we aren’t ever taught about it, in school or at home. When what we are taught is a sense of sexual safety that is defensive and not proactive. When we masturbate to sex scenes that don’t involve consent, or checking in, or compassion. When our sex is silenced in a way that heterosexuality is not, on platforms where heterosexual sex is made explicit. When we don’t tell each other during sex what feels good and what doesn’t because we’re afraid of rejection or embarrassment, or simply because we’ve never been given language for that kind of vulnerability.
When it happened to me the second time, it was because I was afraid that saying “no” would make him mad and because I’d convinced him to come over.
So when you say you want to rape me, and my response is “been there, done that”, there’s no need to make me feel more broken by blocking me because you’re embarrassed or angry. Think about what it is you really want, and ask for that, because when it comes to intimacy and sex, I believe you have a right to genuinely ask for what you want. If the person or people you’re with wants something else, then you can break new ground mutually with mind and body.
I don’t know how this space and this phenomenon is navigated in the lesbian, bi, transgender, pan, intersex or kink communities. All I know is that rape and sexual assault in the gay community should not be elements we encourage or take lightly. They are tools of our oppression and toxic components of human nature and we are slowly awakening to how entrenched they have become.
As people whose sexuality is the key to our persecution, it is up to us to liberate each other, reclaim the right for sex to be a safe and sensational experience for everyone. No one is safe until all of us are safe.
Brodie Turner is an emerging writer, performer and advocate for confronting sexual violence in queer and artistic communities. Co-creator of one-human show Burlesque by Force which is due to return to Melbourne later this year, and currently completing a Masters thesis on sexual harassment in the creative industries. @brodiewrote.
We all have fantasies. My experience is that gay men at the submissive end seem to have the most fantasies. ‘Fantasy factories’ a friend used to say. The fantasy topics vary greatly from individual to individual, I have observed that there are a few that seem to be quite common, almost universal. The rape and gang rape fantasies are amongst those. I’m 58, in my early years as a baby Top those fantasies were there but they stayed in the submissive guy’s head (where they should be!). It’s only in recent decades that I have been regularly asked to rape someone or organise a gang rape. I decline in each case. I’m concerned about the psychological impact of these rapes on individuals and I’m concerned about the psychological impact of gang rape on the participating Tops ( more so than the Bottom). I’m also concerned about our standing in a society which would be horrified if they knew.
In an on-line chat recently one young guy said he wants to act out all his fantasies, ‘all fantasies are good’, he said. What happened to the days when we understood that some fantasies should stay in our heads?
Most all of the people I know who engage I CNC play are aware of the difference between legal consent and legal non consent. That’s what carefully negotiated contracts with safewords are for. Unfortunately some of the 50’Shades newbies apparently do not. Unless you know if the subject of your affection shares your kink-particularly a kink with such a great charge attached- you have little business bringing your charged kink up with a casual acquaintance much less someone you’ve just met. To do so is rude if nothing else. So is axing a contact for not sharing your interest. We live in a rape culture so deep that a significant number of women and men have been victimized. For many the trauma has lasted since childhood. Come on. Think people! Basic human consideration is a good thing. There are many kinks that would turn off those people who simply don’t share them. Successful dating is helped by thoughtfulness. And basic social skills. You know. The ones we’re slowly loosing in cyberspace.
Very well put. There is relevant arguments that could be placed on the opposing end of this topic. However in large, when you look at what is being discussed you can hardly repute the fundamental point that this type of behavior or kink does “socially” have implications.
People have the right to explore their own sexuality, but in saying that what your technically asking for is not how you want to be treated. We’re all guilty to sum degree in doing that, but when your asking for rape, if the person actually “fucking you” was to have no regard for doing it in anyway that turned you on, instead just sat there and treated you with no respect and tortured you (which someone raping someone doesnt do anything that turns that person on). Would you really be asking for that?
Great article. Thank you for bringing this particular topic to light. Very necessary in this time of our lives. Keep going Amigo. Would love to see you perform in Adelaide <3 <3
Some people have erotic fantasies about ‘rape’ and associated role-playing, which they can’t help. The language around rape is arousing for them, though their boundaries differ vastly in terms of how violent they want the actual intercourse to be. If these guys were looking for dates, they would probably raise the issue of any polarizing kinks more sensitively, but when it’s a hook-up they’re just going to try their luck and move on. It honestly sucks that you’re triggered, but dating apps and the internet in general are full of triggers. Potential hook-ups are quick and often impersonal – tell the guy you’re not into that kind of thing and move on.
Brodie, You are a champion!