Aesthetic attraction and being on the asexual spectrum
By: Nicole Brinkley
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I think Jason Momoa is one of the most attractive people on the planet.
I don’t want to have sex with Jason Momoa.
This used to confuse my friends.
If you talk to me about attractive people, one of the first people I’m likely to bring up is Jason Momoa. You know, Khal Drogo from Game of Thrones, or Declan Harp in The Frontier, or Aquaman in whatever DC’s next attempt is at competing in the superhero cinematic universe. Thanks to both his roles, and how he presents himself on a day-to-day basis, it’s impossible for him to blend into the background. I love people who present themselves like they’re sprung out of a fantasy story, whether as plucky heroine or summer fae or a mermaid temporarily out of water. There’s something both fascinating and charming about how they look.
But wanting to look at Jason Momoa – or maybe have a long conversation with him over a mug of tea and some freshly-baked cookies – does not mean I want to have sex with him.
Left: Jason Momoa. Image: Gage Skidmore. Licensed under a Creative Commons 2.0 License.
If you’re reading this, Jason, it’s not you. It’s me.
See, the kind of attraction I experience most often – and the kind that many people experience on a day-to-day basis, whether they’re aware of it or not – is aesthetic attraction.
Aesthetic attraction is an attraction towards the way somebody presents themselves; much like art and design, it’s about a physical presentation. (And, much like art and design, it has little to do with race; using aesthetic attraction as justification for not liking somebody of a certain race is still racist.) Many people experience aesthetic attraction.
For most, aesthetic attraction is tied into sexual or romantic attraction. After all, that’s the only lens that many of us have been taught to view people. If we are attracted to them in some way, surely we must want to get with them. If we like how they look, we must want to get closer to them, touch them, ride the ride.
There is, of course, nothing wrong with aesthetic attraction leading to sexual attraction and riding a (safe and consensual) ride. But assuming aesthetic attraction leads to sexual attraction is a huge problem.
I‘m on the asexual spectrum. I use the label demisexual – I’m only sexually attracted to people that I form a romantic attachment with. (And even then, that doesn’t mean I want to have sex with them. Sex is whatever; kissing is amazing.) That means sexual attraction is something that doesn’t come up in my everyday life.
Making a comment about how gorgeous somebody is will inevitably prompt somebody to tease me about wanting to have sex with them. But I do not want to ride that ride.
Acknowledging aesthetic attraction in a world that immediately associates it with sexual attraction can be a challenging thing, both as somebody on the asexual spectrum and as somebody who has so far only been romantically attracted to men. It generates all sorts of questions about both my sexual and romantic identity, even though I’ve done nothing but point out that, hey, that person looks magical today.
Image: jarr1520. Licensed under a Creative Commons 2.0 License
Those questions are often a product of our society’s conflation of aesthetic attraction with romantic or sexual attraction, and make it difficult to express our attractions. While many “girl crushes” can be suppressed queer sexuality, it could also be aesthetic attraction. The platonic appreciation of aesthetic that a straight dude looking at another dude and complimenting his appearance is framed in a culture that immediately makes him clear his throat and mutter about how he’s, of course, not – or the kind of aesthetic that makes a straight girl look at somebody like Ruby Rose and joke that they’re only gay for this one person.
But aesthetic attraction is perfectly normal and can have nothing to do with sexual or romantic attraction. It’s okay to admire and be aesthetically attracted to how somebody looks, without it leading to a romantic or sexual adventure.
Though if aesthetic attraction to Jason Momoa leads to a fantasy adventure, I would be perfectly okay with that. Sign me up for swords and dragons – so long as I can appreciate the pretty and don’t have to have sex.
Nicole Brinkley loves dragons and has short hair. The rest changes without notice. She is a bookseller and a writer. Follow her on Twitter at @nebrinkley.
This makes a lot of sense to me. I just came out as aroace (to myself, mind you), but then I realized I did feel some kind of pull to men. I don’t want to have sex with them, but tall people with a well-sculpted jaw, I felt something. I was starting to think I wasn’t asexual at all because of it, which sucks, ’cause I just got use to my titles, not to mention I don’t want sex with anyone. Full stop. Now everything makes sense again though. Thank you for sharing this with us!
At 17 I came to the conclusion I must be bi because I felt the same about boys and girls. Then I realised that even thinking of pretty people I liked, I really didn’t want to have sex with them. Or a romantic relationship. I’m still not sure if I really am aroace or if it’s some kind of commitment issues or whatever… but the ace thing feels more right with every article I read.
Ive never been with anyone but i think im asexual… most of my friends in college are girls and when with girls, talks of boys or who’s handsome or which actors do u like or who do you like? i didnt say a thing coz i saw everyone in class, though im not very close to them, as siblings and i dont really have any attraction to celebrities… i find it very odd… although, i did have crushes in elem, highschool n college, coz they look good, and that was it. no asking them or flirt or anything, just that i think i have a crush or attraction to them… on another spectrum, i may have girl crushes too. in elementary, highschool or in college, i thought some were pretty n i became friends with n follow them… i just they look pretty and im friends with them but i never thought of them romantically…
another thing i noticed is my attraction to female figures during my childhood n teen years… i like to draw anime a lot back then, n most of my drawings were girls. now that i think about it, i think it was just idolizing female figures. in highschool, i still saw the female aesthetic as beautiful… analyzing my past makes me think i was a pervert for female figures most of it is produced in my drawings… but i was too innocent back then that i didnt naked drawings of any kind, except the male upper body which i totally sucked at.
today, im still attracted to female figures, i just think the proportion of the female torso, chest and legs looks like art, so are female faces with beatiful smiles. same with male figures, the broad shoulder aesthetic and the abdominal, rear and sometimes, facial features of man is also beatiful…
i guess what im saying is, i also feel aesthetic attraction over anyone n see it as art or beatiful or probably a good reference for my drawings… (though sometimes i just look at people n i feel envious how they rock their clothes, i wish i could…)
– sorry for the long post. this is d first time i told anyone about it…
Being asexual I struggle with these nuances in how I deal with relationships despite being heteroromantic and maybe slightly demisexual I realize the only safe relationship for me would be an asexual one but finding someone who’s asexual and still aesthetically pleasing is very hard because like me, many asexuals give up and start not caring about their own aesthetics because of the sexual issues they produce.
Oh my gosh. This makes so much sense to me. I think some people are cute, but I don’t want to date them or have sex with them. This makes so much sense. Thank you for educating me!