Chivalry: How modern men inherit medieval misogyny
By: Edwina Sleigh
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I remember the first time I heard the word chivalry. It was said at a family friend’s barbeque, a smoky haze of miscellaneous meats filled the garden and a balding, sunburnt man was clearly mourning its application in modern-day society. He spoke of a time, “back in his day”, when men knew how to look after women. I presume now—given his age—that this must have also been the period in which Harvey Weinstein grew up.
If a woman exits a car unassisted, asks to pay for her own spag bol, or drunkenly collects her coat from the cloak room, would that not be a win, one for the boys? Well, as it turns out, not really.
That kind of reliance on men, regardless of the scope of manners or behaviour, has never really been for the benefit of women. It’s problematic how these gestures—simple in execution, but symbolic in nature—are reflective of masculine standards we’ve historically preferenced and still foolishly value.
Kind deeds can often belie a more sinister gendered history. Image: Hernán Piñera. Licensed by Creative Commons 2.0.
The history of chivalry bears light on certain protective roles we’ve maintained for hundreds of years to substantiate male power. What we define as chivalrous behaviour now is derived from the ideal qualifications of medieval knights, such as courtesy, generosity, valour, dexterity in arms, and strength etc. These bizarrely insignificant gestures are based on the goodness of men living in 500AD. From this gendered, idolised archetype grew a kind of code, for which a man’s integrity could be upheld.
For centuries, we’ve maintained this notion that the male should protect, which is meant to be sweet, considerate, and generous. Yet how applicable is this concept in society now? Given that men are no longer required to hunt, fight territorial wars and engage with little to no heavy labour, the qualifications of this knight-code in a modern environment have had to adapt.
If a man can no longer justify his place in the world by jousting around with compromised vision in a hefty metal suit, how can we measure his manliness? How do we know he can still take care of and protect his partner?
As technology exponentially grew, the preservation of masculine power learned to establish itself through other, seemingly mundane, tasks. A few weeks ago, I was at a dinner in Phillip Island when a man pulled my chair out so I could sit in it. I didn’t find it to be considerate behaviour; I found it patronising.
It also meant I was awkwardly a foot away from my food and I had to stand up again to move my chair closer to the table. While it’s indisputable that these sorts of gestures are in decline, the notion that chivalry itself is dying out simply isn’t true. The knight code still remains deeply imbedded in the modern male psyche.
After the unravelling of the Harvey Weinstein expose, Ben Affleck took to Twitter, saying, “I find myself asking what I can do to make sure this doesn’t happen to others. We need to do better at protecting our sisters, friends, co-workers, and daughters.” But what am I meant to do if Ben Affleck’s busy and I’m harassed at work?
Or more to the point, what am I meant to do if Ben Affleck’s the person who’s harassing me? In this 2004 interview with Affleck and Anne-Marie Losique, he exhibits the exact predatory behaviour he’s hoping to combat. He suggests that the TV station would like it better if Losique did the show topless. He says her “breasts are very firm, suspiciously firm” and then hypothesizes about her sex life. Not to mention, Affleck was accused of groping Hilary Burton in 2003.
So, this notion of needing a “protector” in this day and age is all very strange to me. It’s not a jungle out there anymore. What exactly am I being protected from? Because it seems like men are trying to protect us from other men, without realising neither the problem nor the solution is on an individual level, but a cultural one.
We spend a lot of time considering the statistics of being a woman in terms of a larger picture. We scrutinize the pay gap and the lack of women in senior positions, and now we’re counting the horrific number of women who’ve been sexually abused or harassed in the workplace.
We know now that at the heart of these statistics is a monumental imbalance of power that’s founded on the assumption that the female is the weaker sex.
And that, right there, is the greatest problem with chivalry, because the knight’s code has always had to function as a binary. It relies on other people, mainly women, to act out the ideal qualifications of its counterpart, in this case the ‘damsel in distress’.
It’s hard to measure how and when these things will change. Sometimes it seems like they’re not going to. One thing I do know, is that the time for swords and shuffling of chairs has passed. And it seems like the most chivalrous thing to do now, by definition, would be to rethink what actually constitutes considerate behaviour, not just towards women, but everyone.
Ed lives in rural Victoria, she helps out with The Lifted Brow/Brow Books and has a dog called Blu Tac.
Agree with Gerald. My cousin does this subconsciously. While walking on a sidewalk he will walk on the side closer to traffic. He also lets other people go first. I siad, why do you always do that? He says he does it for everyone, he’s happy not feeling demeaned, so it just says he cares.
My ex on the other hand opens the car door for me as if i cant do it myself- he was controlling and abusive. It is meant to say, you go where i tell you and do what i want you to, when i want it, and how I want you to do it.
Meanwhile, im so bloody annoyed with always being the one having to move out of the way because no one ever makes room for me. Im waiting for people to get out of a doorway so i can get my kids out of the school, and some chick takes her kid and walks in front of me. Why does no one let me go first for once? So im beginning to play chicken. It’s nice to just be nice sometimes, but all the time and youre the one being disrespected and taken advantage of.
If someone does something NICE just say you appreciate it and notice it. But don’t milk it. some people just take and never give. i hope good hearted men who give courtesy because he has as much to expect of himself and to give, get a thank you sometimes.
Taking always can def be toxic and disrespectful but so can be giving but with a catch or sick, undermining, controlling statement behind it. Hard to miss the real deal in people, cynical as i have become.
Just, if i say i want to pay for my half, please let me 🙂 if youre giving expecting return on the investment- stop doing that youre not owed for your false kindness and not free charity. Offer sometimes rarher than assume and that feels a lot better in this day and age- i feel. Like ask, would you like me to pay this one. Or can i help with that. Or here, let me. Kindness isnt forced on anyone that way, and it is modernised. Again, my ex who opens doors for me like i cant manage- also stands back and lets everyone pay everything for him. He hides in time for the bill. So that “chivalry” is not chivalrous at all.
Thank you from me for being courteous human beings and respectful.
Gerald White says that chivalry is “…offered as courtesy for women”. In that case, he won’t mind if a woman refuses this courtesy. If you’re offered a something as a courtesy (a snack or a drink perhaps) and you turn it down, no one is offended. What Gerald doesn’t realize is that there are men who do not view this as a “courtesy” but a dance that needs to play out exactly as they set it out in their mind. I have politely turned down offers of opened doors (mainly because I feel uncomfortable when a man looks down at my cleavage and watches my rear-end as I walk by, and 9 times out of 10… he pulls in close enough that I can feel his body heat and smell him…opening a door for me), and I have to say that 95% of the time, that man will be absolutely outraged that I turned down this “courtesy”. Outrage. Imagine a host being outraged that you turned down a martini. Those guys in the 5% though….when they’re OK with me turning down that gesture, I see them in a different light. “Hey! He’s one of those guys that really did mean it as a courtesy!” The same goes for the guys that will just kind of toss the door open behind them for me. Thank you sir! That’s keeping the door open, without the cost of me having to be uncomfortable.
Binary has little place in the broad and often colorful spectra of human interaction. The idea that courtesy is subjugation is madness- I’m 63, and sometimes young ladies (or gentlemen) open doors for me. I say “thank you”, and life goes on without further ado. Situational perceptions are a narrow and subtle brush which can illuminate details you might otherwise miss – but broad strokes like comparing manners to chauvinism may well obscure far more than they reveal. I make every effort to treat most people well, regardless of gender. Bluntly, I suspect the author wants to detest me for doing so, which makes me wonder in turn if they expect people to like them for being rude.
Chivalry itself is not a problem, rather, the respect in which it is offered signifies much about the man offering it. As a man, I often let women go before myself or hold a door open. These acts are not in any way a ‘put down,’ instead they are offered as courtesy for women. It would seem, from the way some males have used physical strength to subdue and control, that they have not been taught the power of respect and honour in their relationships with women. You may note that I use the word ‘males’ as men are honouring to women, according them the respect due to them. This would, to me, be the defining characteristic of a man, a man respects and honours those around him. A male on the other hand takes and does abuses, as can be seen in several high profile cases.