Hello queers. Welcome back to my recap of season 2 of The Ultimatum: Queer Love. For my recap of episodes 1-3, head here. For episodes 4-7, head here.

So, I have a confession: I became obsessed somewhere in the midst of the second trial marriage, and stayed up late into the night finishing the episodes. I didn’t have it in me to go on to the reunion… yet.

I did look up who was still together, though, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The first thing to address is the absolutely wild behaviour of Top Knot. Where we left off, she was absolutely roasting Centre Myself for her relationship with Food Truck. But it isn’t until the next day that she admits to having slept with, and indeed fallen in love with, Protein Bars. Which is just WILD.

I was so confused with what was happening, because then – what feels like a second later – somewhere in episode eight, Top Knot and Centre Myself are just back together like normal (very cringey TBH), and Top Knot snubs Protein at a club.

Also I thought, How are these people going to a club in the middle of all this?! Then I remembered they’re in their twenties and their backs don’t hurt.

Poor Protein Bars is experiencing whiplash. Here she was, sobbing in Top Knot’s arms about being in love. And mere days later, she’s getting snubbed. Hobbies is devastated, but just sits in the discomfort and tries to talk with Protein.

Hobbies even gives Protein sympathy for her broken heart. I am so deeply invested in their processing, and I start rooting for them hard. I want them to stay together!

Fuckboy and Stilettos are really sweet. Though, Fuckboy lamenting the days when Stilettos was her stay-at-home wife – cooking and cleaning for them – was not great. Obviously, we all looked up Stilettos’ business, and good for her making money off dickheads who want to put vitamins directly into their bloodstreams.

I take vitamin B2 for migraines, and my urine is bright yellow. Imagine getting that directed straight into your bloodstream – they must be pissing gold.

In terms of Shaved Head and Mullet, they’re extremely tedious to me. I mean, they’re both artists, which gives so much trust fund energy. You know, the type of queers who go to gallery openings and self-righteously never wash up in sharehouses, only for you to find out their parents pay their rent.

Chopped Liver’s sisters arrive, and it’s clear they want her to break up with Rejuvenate My Pop Career. And Chopped Liver is starting to see the writing on the wall. I am fully on her side, though I’m completely biased. I hate ‘romance’ – I think it is a tool of hetero-patriarchal control of women who are in awful relationships with men, and have been told that getting flowers represents love when he hasn’t once done any of the home labour.

I understand that Chopped Liver’s dislike for romance maybe doesn’t stem from a critique of the hetero-patriarchy, but nonetheless, I think she shouldn’t be with someone who wants something that she isn’t comfortable giving.

And that brings us to Food Truck and Mazzie. I dunno… this was rough to watch. Food Truck talks about some pretty significant trauma, and just gets back these really rubbish American-isms about choosing herself, though I guess Mazzie is just as messed up. I think Food Truck has ultimately behaved quite badly with Centre Myself, but she also literally seems to be having a trauma response onscreen.

I continue to lament reality TV and wonder why I’m still watching.

Anyway, onto the finale.

AJ and Britney obviously stayed together. Cute, etcetera. They were clearly on the show to promote injectable vitamins.

Ashley ended it with Marita. I feel Marita’s heartbreak, but I also feel proud of Ashley. She knows she can’t give Marita what she wants, and has done a lot of thinking about it and made a really tough call. Well done, Ashley. And Marita, I am sorry. You look so pretty in your dress, though.

Credit: Netflix, via Reddit. Please don’t sue us, Netflix.

Haley meets up with Magan to give her a T-shirt, and we never know what’s on it. I want to know extremely badly.

But anyway, Magan the villain is wild: she says Haley should apologise to Dayna?! I was shaken to the core.

But anyway, all is well because Hayley and Pilar stay together, and realise they will always choose each other. Pilar is ultimately the best person on the show. She knew Hayley needed to stretch her wings, and was willing to let her go if that is what she needed. I do hope she is able to find her own way through her trauma with her family of origin beyond cliches of ‘forgiveness’. I am hopeful these two will have a long and happy life together.

Shaved Head and Mullet stay together. You know they are going to ‘queer marriage’ through a wedding that is made to look poor, but isn’t really.

Magan and Dayna propose to each other. They have written letters to each other, and if you listen carefully, you’ll notice their letters are just about themselves. It is hilarious.

The show ends with Marie and Mel. I have nothing to say. Let’s never mention them again.

There’s champagne, smiles and “Wow, it feels good to be fiancés.” I feel dead inside.

Postscript: I watched the reunion. Simply, there wasn’t enough calling out of villainous behaviour.

Thank you for joining me on this hideous journey of ranting about The Ultimatum: Queer Love season 2. Same time next year?