Content warning: This column briefly discusses sexual violation.

Welcome back to Archer’s queer advice series: Phone-a-Dyke.

Think of this as your very queer Agony Aunt column mixed with Dolly Doctor, but minus the questionable advice that’ll definitely give you a UTI.

Check out all episodes of Phone-a-Dyke here.

Got a question for the dykes to discuss? Submit it here.

Image: Esteban Gerard

Today’s Q:

Greetings dykes,

I’m a transmasc butch. A while ago I had a conversation with a friend of mine about how she (a cis lesbian) identifies as femme because of the culture and alliance with butches. A few days later, we’re discussing things of a somewhat explicit sexual nature and she says that as a woman she “feels violated” that I would want to top a woman. She’s previously remarked that I “have bottom energy”, despite me being very much a stone top (which I’ve corrected her on).

Any thoughts on what’s going on here? Sometimes it feels to me that she wants friends who are “one of the girls”, and is more freaked out by me being butch, and so more masc than our other “fruitier” guy friends. I can’t tell if I’m being oversensitive or if something is actually up.

– BabyButch

A:

Dear BabyButch,

Oooookay. There is a lot to unpack here!

First of all, I am sorry your friend is making you feel like this. Secondly, I will preface this by stating that I am a cis femme who had my heart pulverised – 500g pack of mince meat from Coles style – by my transmasc butch ex, which gives me a unique and personal insight to this issue, and makes me qualified to shower you with absolutely perfect advice.

Upon first reading this question, I wanted to throw metaphorical popcorn at my laptop screen and shriek, “GET A GRIP!” at your friend.

If one of my friends loudly proclaimed to only identify as femme because of a butch alliance, I’d assume they’d suffered a moment of pure delusion while jacking off to an episode of Survivor: Micronesia. It reeks of some sort of malignant misogyny, thinly veiled with bizarre community building.

Femme4Butch is so important!! Historically and culturally!!!!! As this conversation occurred (I’m guessing here!) between two friends in the privacy of a living room or a booth at a wine bar – this feels performative in a way that has me reaching for the Gaviscon. Whatever happened to identity being a genuine expression, I ask thee!

Obviously, I don’t have the benefit of wider context, but it sounds like your friend is trying to justify her place in the rich tapestry of LGBTQIA+ history as opposed to just living her gay life. This is intriguing. I can only continue my assumptions that there is something deeper going on here that probably isn’t to do with you personally.

Femme4Butch is so important!! Historically and culturally!!!!!

This brings me to my next point. Telling a transmasc top they have bottom energy (derogatory?!), and expressing horror that giving penetration can be enjoyable, is a big Scooby Doo clue to me (a person with no qualifications in psychiatry, therapy or counselling) that Miss Girly Pop is possibly triggered by masculinity, and has allowed that to mainfest in disrespect and dismissal of masc queers such as yourself. She isn’t seeing or understanding that masculinity can be an incredibly beautiful thing.

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Being derisive towards bottoms has the same vibe as a drunk ex-rugby player scribbling “Damo takes it up the ass” in the toilets – it’s only an insult because this man has injected his own fear and shame straight into his sharpie.

Same for femmes “being topped”. I firmly support a femme’s right to consensally shove whatever and whoever up whichever of their orifices they choose! It’s damaging to imply that this feeds into any patriarchal bullshit.

I also have a personal gripe against people hiding behind language: being “violated” is not the same as “uncomfortable”. Using them interchangably is lazy, dishonest and ultimately unhelpful.

Not only does this sound like the most joyless discussion around sex between two pals of all time, to me, it has clearly revealed that your friend is projecting a whole lot of *buzzy shit* onto you.

I firmly support a femme’s right to consensally shove whatever and whoever up whichever of their orifices they choose! It’s damaging to imply that this feeds into any patriarchal bullshit.

Let’s peel back the queer specificity for just a sec – having someone close to you invalidate your feelings/actions/wants/needs just sucks, plain and simple. It’s not kind. You’ve told her (multiple times?) your preferences, and she’s loud ‘n’ proud (multiple times?) putting you in a box you don’t align with. Ding ding ding! Ring the inconsiderate alarm!

With all due respect to the subject matter, this really feels like the arrow is pointing to some internal struggles with misogyny. The shitty thing for you is, you’ve done nothing wrong here. As a transmasc person, you should feel empowered for your masculinity, not de-butched and forced to ‘be fruitier’.

As a transmasc person, you should feel empowered for your masculinity, not de-butched and forced to ‘be fruitier’.

Masculinity is not the same as misogyny. I of course know plenty of mascs that treat femmes incredibly well. I also know mascs that treat femmes worse than cis men, but that’s absolutely not because they’re masc. In some cases, it’s because they have unfortunately allowed themselves to behave in ways that society tells us is ‘masculine’. And bb, we queers are simply better than that!

To conclude, I would suggest you have a very open conversation with this person expressing your confusion/hurt, and if she fails to listen, snip her off and send her an anonymous copy of Stone Butch Blues. 

Xoxo

– MascLovin (aka Anonymous Dyke #21)

Phone-a-Dyke is Archer’s queer advice column. Got a question you want answered? Submit it here.