Welcome back to Archer’s queer advice series: Phone-a-Dyke.

Think of this as your very queer Agony Aunt column mixed with Dolly Doctor, but minus the questionable advice that’ll definitely give you a UTI.

Check out all episodes of Phone-a-Dyke here.

Got a question for the dykes to discuss? Submit it here.

Image: Tom Caillarec

Today’s Q:

Dear dykes,

I really enjoyed your column on transmascs in lesbian spaces. As a transmasc/
genderfluid person, I would love to access spaces for men but I feel unable to. I feel like gay male spaces are less open and accepting. I’m also only attracted to men/other masculine people, so I don’t feel like sapphic spaces are for me. Do you have any advice for me?

– L

A:

Dear L,

I’m a transmasc who has been made to feel incredibly safe and welcomed in lesbian spaces, but much like you, has somehow still felt like an outsider.

Don’t get me wrong, there are absolutely some lesbian spaces that I’ll still staunchly support and attend with my friends. But, as someone who transitioned a while ago now and has always had a pretty fluid understanding of my own sexuality and gender (both masc-leaning these days), I’ve never personally identified as a lesbian in any of my many forms.

This means I typically tend to feel like a welcome visitor and avid cheerleader in sapphic spaces, rather than the crowd catered to. This is the case even if I have been explicitly invited by friends or organisers. I say this while knowing plenty of transmascs and trans men who do feel that these spaces are their homes as much as anyone else there does.

As a neurodiverse queer who is prone to over-explaining myself, my answer about navigating gay male spaces as a transmasc person comes in a few parts.

I typically tend to feel like a welcome visitor and avid cheerleader in sapphic spaces, rather than the crowd catered to.

Firstly, I want to start by saying that many of my favourite parties have been explicitly QUEER and have catered to the entire gender and sexuality spectrum (such as Unicorns and Hanky in so-called Australia). The inclusion policies of these events have helped me – in sensitive moments – to not doubt how welcome I’ll be made to feel, or whether I’ll see other people like me there. They’ve helped me experience all the joy and affirmation without so much of the anxiety.

I’ve also loved the events that have popped up for trans people – and even more specifically, for transmascs (such as HAVEN and Transmasc Social in Naarm). It can be incredibly euphoric to know that something has been made with you in mind.

It’s amazing seeing transmascs take up space, when we can so often face erasure or feel like an afterthought in broader queer spaces.

Speaking of gender euphoria, I know how affirming it can be to really own your masculinity – in whatever shape it takes – in predominantly male/masc spaces.

When it comes to events for gay men, you absolutely deserve to not only take up space, but to feel like your needs as a transmasc are understood, acknowledged and fulfilled.

When it comes to events for gay men, you absolutely deserve to not only take up space, but to feel like your needs as a transmasc are understood, acknowledged and fulfilled.

I’ll be honest, my experience of gay men’s events have been a bit of a mixed bag. So, let me share some of the many lessons I’ve learned over the years. Of course, some of these tips will really depend on the type of event/space you’re attending, and what you’re hoping to get from them.

Before you go, ask around. What kinds of experiences have other transmascs had in these spaces? Is there anything you need to know in advance about the general culture/expectation of attendees? If they have a dark room, are you up to scratch on gay cruising etiquette?

Check out their socials and promotional material. Are there photos of other transmascs having a good time there? If they book talent, are they including and platforming transmascs? Do you even like and trust their general vibes?

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If you’re still unsure, don’t be afraid to contact the organisers and ask how they feel about trans people in their space. Often their response will be very telling.

Remember, there’s a BIG difference between ‘allowing’ trans people in their space, and actively encouraging and supporting trans people to attend. For example, some clothing-optional or sex-on-premises gay men’s spaces won’t allow chest binders or binding tape, and have very cis-centred ideas about sex.

It’s also worth noting that just because the organisers are welcoming of trans people, it doesn’t mean that every single attendee will be. You may still catch an odd glance here or there; try not to let those losers get to you!

Remember, there’s a BIG difference between ‘allowing’ trans people in their space, and actively encouraging and supporting trans people to attend.

If you’re not a super confident person, consider bringing a friend along the first time you go! I owe a lot to the cis gay allies and non-binary anarchists in my life for this reason.

If you know anyone that regularly attends these spaces, ask if they’d mind you tagging along the next time they go. This can be helpful to avoid any issues at entry, and can help you to make some new connections once you get there. It also can help to ward off any negative nancies who may have thought about looking at you funny.

Better yet, assemble a whole team of trans guys for the occasion!

As with any queer space, you may still encounter some people who try to exclude you or fetishise you. Honestly, those people are not worth your energy. Lean on a mate if it leaves you feeling icky, or laugh it off with someone who gets it.

Better yet, assemble a whole team of trans guys for the occasion!

If you’re still unsure, or feeling a bit nervous, check if the venues you’re looking at run more inclusive nights. Some spaces for gay men will have nights every now and then where everyone is welcome. This is another easy way to familiarise yourself with the space and the patrons without feeling too much pressure.

Nude and sex-on-premises events will sometimes host underwear nights, which might feel less intimidating as a first step.

I hope this has been a helpful starting point. Just know, for every person who doesn’t think you belong somewhere, there are far more rooting for you! Transphobes are a loud minority, but a minority nonetheless.

Love and solidarity,

– Your trans big brother, A

Phone-a-Dyke is Archer’s queer advice column. Got a question you want answered? Submit it here.