I’m Vanessa, a sexuality educator, author and speaker. I’m passionate about helping parents and teachers feel confident talking to kids about human sexuality.

As a mum of three teenagers, I understand the challenges parents face in raising kids in today’s world. My goal is to provide tools, knowledge and confidence to talk openly and positively about human sexuality with your children.

To start off, consider if you’d know how to answer this question from a five-year-old: “Mum, how does the man stop the wee from coming out when he is putting the seed in the vagina?”

I certainly didn’t – even though, at the time, I was a sexual and reproductive health nurse with more than 15 years’ experience, and a university lecturer in human sexuality! I’d literally had tens of thousands of conversations about sex and sexuality, including the basics with my kids, but I still wasn’t prepared for my young son’s question. 

In that moment, I realised my clinical and educator experience hadn’t prepared me to talk to little kids about this topic, let alone tackle the complex parental responsibility of having conversations about sexuality with my older children one day. And if I was struggling, how did parents without my knowledge have any chance of meeting their kids’ needs?

Image by: Brittani Burns

In 2013, I founded Talking The Talk Healthy Sexuality Education (TTT) to address a critical gap in support for parents and teachers. My mission is to empower adults to feel confident talking to kids about human sexuality, consent and respectful relationships.

The foundation of effective sexuality education and conversations should be positive (underpinned by the idea that human sexuality is a healthy and joyful part of life); evidence-based (backed by research and medical facts); and age-appropriate (delivered in a way that meets kids where they’re at developmentally).

Sexuality is a natural part of being human, and every child deserves to learn about it.  Whether we like it or not, children are constantly exposed to messages about sex, sexuality, consent and respect from the world around them. The question is: are these the messages we want them to receive?

Why is sex education important?

My take-home message to parents is: Who do you want to tell your child about each topic related to sex, consent and respect? Who do you want to be the main provider of this information? Hopefully, the answer is you. If so, when do you need to start to ensure you get in first?

This sounds simple in theory, but it can feel daunting in practice. The reality is that children are already absorbing the information they are exposed to from the world around them, every day – often earlier than we realise.

As a parent, I understand how intimidating this topic can feel. After all, many of us never had adequate conversations with our parents and grew up with a lot of shame and taboo about it. 

One tip is, if you are faced with a challenging question, keep your poker face on, respond positively and buy yourself some time: ”Oh, I am so glad you asked me that, what do you know about that already?” or “That is a great question – what made you think of that?”

This lets you hear from them where they’re at, and gives you some time to think about your response.

It is every child’s right to have accurate information about their bodies, and to develop the skills needed to form healthy, respectful relationships. Without open conversations at home or comprehensive education at school, children will learn from unreliable sources such as peers, social media, pop culture or pornography.

Some people worry that if we tell them about sex, they will go out and do it. However, providing education is not giving permission. Evidence tells us that age-appropriate, comprehensive education from a young age actually delays their first sexual intercourse to a later age. In countries where this education is compulsory, teenagers also have less unintended pregnancies, fewer STIs, and report more respectful sexual encounters. 

Other proven benefits include increasing confidence and decision-making skills around encounters, and encouraging values like respect, acceptance, empathy, and equality. Most importantly, education can be protective against sexual abuse and harm.

Most parents agree that sex education is important. A recent Australian study found that comprehensive sexuality education is strongly supported by parents, and I see this in my work with schools every day. The study found that, overwhelmingly, Australian parents support school-based relationships and sexual health education (RSE): 89.9 per cent of parents strongly agreed or agreed with the statement that RSE should be provided in schools.

When is the right age to talk to my child about sex?

“When is the right age to talk to my child about sex?”  is one of the most common questions I hear. While the answer depends on the child, there’s one guiding principle I always share: be the first to have these conversations with your child about every topic. Be the tellable and askable parent they need you to be.

Use teachable moments that are everywhere. For example, I used a commercial radio ad to talk to my 12-year-old. We were in the car – a great place to have conversations – when an ad came on for laser eye surgery. The speaker said, “Mr Smith, you left your glasses in the massage parlour…”

I asked my child, “Do you know what a massage parlour is?”

I then went on to explain sex work and massage parlours. This positioned me as the main source of this information rather than his peers at high school, which my child was about to begin in the coming weeks. 

To keep it simple, I’ve broken it down into stages of childhood sexuality, what’s typical at each stage, and how to have age-appropriate conversations with confidence and positivity.

Children learn in different ways at unique ages and stages. The information is intended for you to adapt to the circumstances of your child’s learning style, taking into account disability, learning challenges and language. 

With a bit of confidence and a few tools – and plenty of practice by just doing it – you’ll be able to approach these conversations openly. Remember: your tone is more important than anything you say. With the right approach, they’ll know they can come to you with any questions or problems.

Age-appropriate sex ed for kids

Ages 0–2: Foundations of trust and autonomy

During these early years, your child relies on you to understand the world – and their body.

Typical development: Babies are born with the capacity to feel comfort and pleasure. They learn to trust through gentle touch and care. By the end of this stage, toddlers start exploring their own bodies, including their genitals, often during soothing moments like bath time.

Conversations to have: Name their body parts – yes, all of them – using correct terms like “penis”, “vulva” and “scrotum” in a shame-free way.  Normalise this language so it’s no different than “arm” or “ear”.

Be positive when they touch their body. Start introducing simple safety concepts, like who is allowed to help with private parts – for example, parents and carers –and explain what you are doing, so they know what to expect during nappy changes.

Ages 2–5: Gender identity and exploration

Preschoolers love to ask “Why?” and “How?” and mimic what they see. At this age, privacy norms are still developing, and kids may enjoy being nude or curious about others’ bodies.

Typical development: Children begin to identify themselves as a boy, girl, or neither, or both, and they notice gender in others. They also explore through play, sometimes in ways that include looking at or touching each other’s bodies.

Conversations to have: Talk about where babies come from in simple, matter-of-fact terms. They can understand that a baby grows in the tummy/uterus/womb. Keep using correct body part names and introduce concepts of privacy: “Your body belongs to you.” Explain when it’s okay for someone to touch private parts – that is, name the parents, teachers or grandparents who will help them in the toilet, or during medical examinations, and add “I will also know about it.”

Inform them that our bodies tell us with early warning signs when we are unsafe: like feeling sick in the tummy, wanting to cry or having shaky knees. If another child or adult does something that gives them early warning signs, like showing them private parts or touching their private parts, they must tell you.

Ages 5–8:  Puberty on the horizon

This stage is all about building knowledge. Kids this age start noticing societal gender roles, norms and stereotypes. Many begin asking deeper questions about reproduction and relationships.

Typical development: Some children will show early signs of puberty. Others may become curious about sexual orientation and relationships. Privacy becomes more important, and their personal genital touching may shift toward being pleasure-oriented rather than just soothing.

Conversations to have: Explain puberty basics before they happen. Introduce the idea of consent: everyone has the right to say yes or no to touch.

Talk openly about relationships and the concept that activities with friends should always be mutual, consensual and joyful. For example, negotiating a game to play that everyone wants to play, and managing your disappointment if your friend says no.

Teachable moments about privacy and pleasure should be shame-free. For example, you can say things like, “I know if feels good to touch your vulva/penis, but where is a private place that you can go to do that?”

Ages 8–12: Puberty and beyond

By this stage, puberty has usually begun and their emotional, social and physical worlds are expanding. They’re also diving deeper into the digital world, which comes with risks and opportunities.

Typical development: Kids at this age are navigating relationships, developing self-esteem, and exploring their identity. Many become preoccupied with sexuality in media, and may encounter pornography or age-inappropriate content, often while looking for information.

Conversations to have: Be proactive about discussing puberty, consent and respectful relationships. Talk about media literacy: help them critique messages in advertising, movies and online content.

Teach harm minimisation for online behaviours, like not sharing private images, and start discussing contraception and STI prevention as foundational knowledge.

Pornography conversations are imperative because they will be exposed to it. You need to prepare them and instil help-seeking strategies for when this occurs. Explain that pornography is adult content that is scripted and made extreme for entertainment. It’s not reflective of typical relationships, and the actors are paid to look like they enjoy it. Just like in movies, when you see a driving scene with speeding cars crashing and buses in flames,  that’s not really how you drive a car. What pornography depicts as sex is often unrealistic.

Ages 12–17: Experimentation and identity

During the teenage years, curiosity, experimentation and identity come to the forefront. Adolescents are navigating complex emotional, physical and social changes while becoming increasingly independent. This is also when the influence of peers and media often increases, making your role as a parent or caregiver more vital than ever.

Typical development: Think back to the first big romantic crush you may have had around puberty. It is typically expected behaviour for young people to explore intimate relationships, often including first consensual partnered sexual experiences. They don’t just become sexual beings the day they turn 18 and leave school.

This will be evident in behaviours like: strong desire for privacy, resembling adult preferences, increased use of sexually explicit language and discussions with peers and curiosity about sexual diversity, self-identity and orientation. We can expect masturbation and purposeful exploration of sexuality in private.

Teenagers are also forming their own opinions about relationships, sex, and societal messages based on their experiences and the information they absorb from their surroundings.

Conversations to have: This stage requires open, honest and empathetic communication.

Some key discussion topics include:

Consent and respectful relationships. Talk about ongoing consent as an essential component of any interaction. Share how mutual respect, trust, and pleasure are the foundation of healthy relationships.

Media literacy and critical thinking. Discuss the unrealistic portrayals of sex and relationships in popular culture, pornography and social media. Encourage them to think critically about these messages and form their own values – for example, around respect and depiction of gendered roles.

Sexual health education. Dive deeper into topics like contraception, STI prevention, and the emotional aspects of becoming sexually active. Emphasise that they have the right to delay sexual activity until they feel ready.

Self-esteem and empowerment. Encourage them to explore who they are without succumbing to societal pressure. Acknowledge their need for privacy while remaining approachable.

Online safety. Teach them about the risks of sharing images online and how to handle situations involving online abuse, such as sextortion or unsolicited explicit content. Every parent should have the eSafety Commission website bookmarked.

Joy and positivity in sexuality. Replace outdated narratives of fear and shame with a message of empowerment, self-discovery and joy. Let them know that sexuality is a normal and positive part of life. Pleasure is not a dirty word, and should be foundational in conversations.

At my parent sessions, I always ask what words come to mind when we think about what we want for this generation of children’s journey through life, and their sexual journey. What do we envisage for them?

Parents always say words like: joy, fun, safety, pleasure, consent, respect, autonomy, variety and knowledge. How are they going to get those things? From accurate education in the classroom and empowering conversations at home, rather than just learning from the world around them.

Remember: it’s not about having all the answers – it’s about being the tellable and askable parent they need you to be, by being open, approachable, and ready to have those vital conversations when they come up.

Yes, it can feel awkward or challenging at times, but the alternative is leaving them to navigate this critical part of their lives on their own or relying on the often-misleading messages from peers and the internet.

The goal of sexuality education isn’t just to provide information – it’s to foster confidence, autonomy and healthy decision-making. When we approach these topics with honesty and positivity, we equip our children with the tools they need to grow into empowered, self-assured adults.

So, start the conversation. Keep it going. Be the first to guide them. And most importantly, show them that sexuality is a positive, joyful, and natural part of being human. Anything you say is better than nothing.

For more information, and to check out Vanessa’s other writing including her book Talking Sex: A Conversation Guide for Parents, visit her website: talkingthetalksexed.com.au.