Welcome back to Archer’s queer advice series: Phone-a-Dyke.

Think of this as your very queer Agony Aunt column mixed with Dolly Doctor, but minus the questionable advice that’ll definitely give you a UTI.

Check out all episodes of Phone-a-Dyke here.

Got a question for the dykes to discuss? Submit it here.

Today’s Q:

Dear dykes,

Is there a widely-accepted (or unofficially-OK) cut-off age at which prepping-for, locating, staging, doing and then managing with the fallout from, sex . . . is all too ick, messy and wearyingly difficult?

– ComfyAsexual

A:

Dear ComfyAsexual,

We’re going to start the way many of our Phone-a-Dyke answers start: you’re not alone with this! This is a totally reasonable question that lots of folks will relate to – at many different ages and stages.

And, as many Phone-a-Dyke answers also start: the problem is Big Cis-Hetero, not you. Age (and ageism) is real, but many of the pressures and ‘milestones’ associated with age are manufactured by the Patriarchal Powers That Be. We deserve to be free from that.

Only you get to decide what’s right for you, regardless of what is considered ‘typical’ in your peer group or the media you’ve consumed. It’s never too early or too late to exercise autonomy over your sex life (or lack thereof). Listening to what you and your body want and need is the most important thing.

Sex and dating – even casually – can be a big commitment of energy, time and social juice. Some people have lower social batteries or simply prioritise other things – and this isn’t always tied to age.

Society tends to make young adults’ sexuality hyper-visible, and older folks’ sexuality invisible. This is BOLOGNA!

Not all young people prioritise sex, and many older people fuck harder and more adventurously than ever (slay). Interest in sex can and will ebb and flow across our lifespans.

Plus, other people aren’t fucking as much as you think they are! Lots of us are out here on medications that significantly affect our sex lives, or are living with disabilities, fatigue, illnesses, traumas and other responsibilities or commitments that change our relationship to sex.

You sound lethargic at the idea of sex right now, and that’s totally fine. You’re not lacking. You’re just adjusting to what you need right now.

It’s completely okay to be tired. The world is getting fucked (and not in a good way). With capitalism, housing crises, cost of living pressures, live-streamed genocides, rising fascism, poor sleep as a result of all these… maintaining a ‘healthy’ or ‘normal’ sex life is understandably not everyone’s top priority.

People don’t often think of these things as being relevant to sex, but they really are. These stressors can easily tax energy from our bodies and brains, which can make accessing horniness and pleasure-seeking far more challenging. These things just won’t come as easily (pun entirely intended).

To close, here’s a quote from our resident Grey Ace With A Lot Of Feelings:

There’s absolutely never a strict time limit on exploring or enjoying sex (or lack of sex)! Changing and evolving desires, and being open to fluctuations, is a really important (and cool) part of every stage of life. If you want to try something, absolutely try it. The right person or people will never make you feel like anything is ‘too late’.

If you never feel like having sex again, that’s totally fine. Your community and peers should embrace the decisions you’ve made about your sex life. And you should, too!

If you feel like easing back into it, looking into hiring a sex worker could be a great option. When it comes to the prepping, locating, staging, doing and ensuring it’s not too wearyingly difficult – they’re the professionals! Here’s our handy guide to finding an aligned sex worker.

Joy, connection and pleasure can and will come in so many other forms. 

Go forth and fuck, go forth and don’t fuck – it’s entirely up to you.

– AsexualHealing (aka Anonymous Dykes #6, #7, and #9)

Phone-a-Dyke is Archer’s queer advice column. Got a question you want answered? Submit it here.