Welcome back to my recap of‘season 2 of The Ultimatum: Queer Love. Here’s where you can read my previous recap.

It has become clear to me from my friends (sample size n = 6) that you have all already finished the whole second season of The Ultimatum: Queer Love, you absolute chaotic sapphics. When did you have time in between your own drama?!

So, this means you’re just here for my hot takes. I have also tried to do some actual reviewing this time, but probably not successfully.

Before I begin, though, I want to share a reflection I have been having since stopping midway through episode three. When I was in my twenties, things were simpler. We didn’t have any thoughts of marriage, we had no representation on TV, and we didn’t have smartphones. All for the better, because any embarrassing shit I did is only in the minds of my nemeses, and deep somewhere on a Myspace, long forgotten.

But these poor young queers are out there putting their most embarrassing stuff on Netflix. They need some older queer guidance to say: “My babe, if you’re going to do this out of a misplaced belief that you’ll get famous, at least stay fucking sober.”

So, at this point, the sapphics have moved into their cheap-arse apartments with their trial wives. Lots of talk about authenticity and organic connection and “we are married”. Honestly, how do you all watch this shit? I am already so bored.

Like, they are talking about how they like their eggs in the morning, and I am used to queer convos about my friend’s incredible gut microbiome from eating so much arse (true story).

Finally, the pets arrive. I had already seen all the memes about them, and was glad for them to come into my life.  I zoned out for the rest of the episode.

Episode four: mostly boring. My BFF texted me, “What about the metal drinking glasses?” and I was like, “Oh babe, don’t, I have enough to try and deal with, I can’t even address the aesthetic issues.”

I confess: I tried to put the episode on 1.5 speed to get it done, but it was even worse somehow.

Random thoughts on the couples:

Rejuvenate My Pop Career and Stilettos Like Slippers (Marita and Britney)

I am living for these two. Buying each other flowers is beyond. I thought that Rejuvenate was the villain, but I have come around to her a bit. Actually, it turns out I just love TV where two femmes hang out and goss together. It’s perfect.

Poor Old Mullet and Chopped Liver (Bridget and Ashley)

They’re basically never on screen. There is an awfully forced pottery scene. And then, there is a discussion of an abusive relationship. I can’t with this trauma porn – they’re literally only showing her for this one story.

Whatsername and Fuckboy AJ (Marie and AJ)

Whatsername is upset with Fuckboy AJ for visiting Stilettos. But like, they are partners – of course they would see each other. So silly.

Top Knot and Proteins Bars (Magan and Haley)

Top Knot and Protein Bars have chemistry.

Food Truck Butch and Centre Myself (Mel and Dayna)

There is some serious U-hauling happening between Food Truck Butch and Centre Myself. Some more advice for you: babez, take a break.

Hobbies and Shaved Head (Pilar and Kyle)

Episode four ends on a fight between Hobbies and Shaved Head that reminds me how ethically dubious these shows are.

Episode five: a sex scene. Is this consensual to listen to?

I am trying to get to the end of the trial marriages. There are fingering jokes over clay. There are candles. There are closing doors. There are shitty shots of the scenery.

Shaved Head and Hobbies have some lesbian processing that I was really invested in. I am really happy for them learning how to communicate. Well done.

Top Knot’s friends are here. I love seeing their super dykey friends. And the undercuts. The friends welcome Protein Bars into their squad. It’s just too cute. I love lesbians.

Half the episode has back-to-back trauma. I love that queer women can talk through their feelings, it is such a nice thing about our culture. But I can’t say enough to these baby queers: “Please don’t share this on television. You are going to regret it. Listen to me!”

Credit: Netflix. Please don’t sue us, Netflix.

Then, the changeover dinner. They are all talking so much bullshit. I am finally living for some drama.

Of the ultimatum-givers, Centre Myself is the villain. And she is such a good villain: great fashion, completely deluded, pretending things that happened didn’t happen. It’s perfect.

Also, I’ve come around on Whatsername Marie, now that she’s had some airtime. She’s the most real person there. I’m now gonna call her Mazzie.

Protein Bars thinks Mazzie deserves better than Food Truck, and she is right. But Protein is stirring up this shit while she is fucking Top Knot. Sapphic drama.

At the ultimatum-receivers’ end of the table, Food Truck insists that she and Centre Myself didn’t fuck, but they obviously have. The lying is weird ’cause it’s on camera, babe. Also, Top Knot is acting all saintly but is literally fucking Protein Bars.

Episode six. Some random thoughts I had:

• At some point I realised one of them is called Dayna. How have I not made any Dana Fairbanks jokes yet?!
• Shaved Head’s mum says, “Make sure you don’t become her therapist – you’re her wife.” Then an açai bowl arrives.
• There’s a cat in the background while Food Truck and Centre Myself discuss their future. The best part of the whole show.
• Protein’s dad trying not to hit the roof in frustration and the stupidity had me curled over howling. Look at his face! It’s the same as mine!
• I don’t think Fuckboy is actually a fuckboy. She was just putting that on. She is actually so sweet, and I really want her and Stilettos to work out.

Then come the goodbyes. These sapphics crying about saying goodbye to each other after three weeks is – finally – some good representation. I too have cried over someone I only knew for three weeks. Sure, now I probably don’t remember their names, but at 25, that was so real. I probably threw in an “I love you” for good measure as well.

Why are sapphics so dramatic?!

Episode six ends at the dinner where there are ample accusations of BLOCKING. And HEART EYES. And WE WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING.

I continued into episode seven because I wanted to finish the dinner. I admit, at this point, that I’m here for the drama. But I wish the host would shut up. She is so bad at her job.

It takes Stilettos to call out Centre Myself’s bad behaviour. This isn’t the first time Stilettos has called out shitty behaviour. She is the best person on the show.

Then, the playlist reveal. I cannot believe they got caught on their lesbian sex playlists. That is a RECEIPT.

But you know what else is a receipt? Top Knot and Protein Bars saying to the camera, “WE FUCKED.”

I turn the show off. I lay in bed, and I wonder why they have the same metal glasses why at every restaurant. Has this whole thing been in the one hotel? As I drift off to sleep, I hear the echoes of The Yeah Yeah Yeahs from the sex playlist of my early twenties, reverberating through my mind…

[Editor’s note, for your information: The creator of The Ultimatum and Love is Blind has stated an aesthetic preference for opaque metallic stemware. Many also believe that it’s used to avoid continuity errors during editing.]