Presenting Archer’s brand new queer advice series: Phone-a-Dyke.

Think of this as your very queer Agony Aunt column mixed with Dolly Doctor, but minus the questionable advice that’ll definitely give you a UTI. 

You have questions (we assume), and we have answers (probably), so let’s solidify this relationship in proper dyke fashion: quickly, seriously and with a promise it won’t get messy or involve our exes (it probably will). 

So, who is the dyke on the other end of the phone? Less of an individual and more an entity – a hive mind, if you will – the dyke in question is an amalgamation of the Archer team and beyond: a gaggle of dykes, lesbians, gays, bisexuals, trans folks, cis folks, pansexuals – oh my!

If we don’t know the answer to your question, rest assured we’ll find an expert in the community who does.

Photo by Della Grace at The Bell, London, 1983. Souced @press_sf.

Got a question for the dykes to discuss? Submit it here.

Today’s Q:

Dear Dykes,

I am new to dyke culture and would love some expert advice on a curious phenomenon I have come across since dating my first girlfriend. 

I am wondering if a habit she has is a lesbian thing or just my girlfriend’s quirk? I have found that she is extremely attached to her socks and doesn’t like to take them off. Even on the hottest summer days, she will be starkers in bed complaining about the heat, but will bizarrely leave her socks firmly on. 

What I find the most confusing about this preference is the fact she wants to keep her socks on while we have sex. This has never happened to me before. Any past hetero bloke I’ve been unfortunate enough to have sex with has thankfully practiced the traditional seduction technique of getting fully naked and removing the socks they have been wearing all day. 

Sometimes I wonder if she is trolling me and testing how much I love her by challenging me to get horny despite the socks. 

Truth be told, she is still hot as fuck wearing them, but I would love to know if this is a common lesbian practice?

– SocksForSapphics

A:

Dear SocksForSapphics,

Since this question landed on our dyke desk, it has caused vigorous discussion in the office, occasionally bleeding to the pub during knock-offs. Plus, welcome to the dyke world! We’re stoked you’re here!

The lively debate was spurred because we unanimously agreed that socks are indeed lesbian culture, but what’s the precise reason? As it turns out, there are many, many extremely compelling reasons that socks = lez.

As a side note: at one point whilst mulling over this topic, I took a side quest researching old-timey sock garters that businessmen would wear in the 1940s. This isn’t exactly answering your question, but I’m SO shocked that the dykes haven’t already jumped on this and claimed this trend?! It’s so camp and kinky; it flirts with masculinity in such an irresistibly hot way. Untouched dyke gem in my opinion. Watch this space.

Anyway, let’s first discuss practicality – a dyke’s always gotta start here. A comfy sock is heaven – that we can all agree upon. But in particular, having sensible choice in socks is a pivotal part of many dyke-coded activities. Archival lesbian content can prove that this has always been the case (enjoy these hot images): Hiking.  Playing rugby (or any contact sport, really). Being a park ranger.  Playing roller derby. Breaking in your Doc Martens.

Gillian Anderson for In Style Magazine, 1998. Sourced @everylesbianandtheirfashion.

Next: Having a vicious sensory preference such as “the socks STAY ON” or “get those foot bear traps away from me” screams neurodivergence (me). And as the venn diagram of queers and neurodiverse babes are two big ol’ circles overlapping very heavily, naturally the proportion of dykes with die-on-this-hill sensory sock preferences is going to be high. 

Moreover, because dykes will never let cold weather stop them from fuckin’, socks also serve a practical use temperature-wise. Imagine it’s freezing, because your shitty apartment doesn’t have great heating. You’re approximately halfway down the bed, under the covers… getting down to business. Are you just going to let your feet HANG off the bed, exposed to the elements? Or are you going to wrap those bad boys up in organic bamboo and focus your attention on what really matters at that very moment (i.e. what’s in your mouth)? 

This gorgeous 1991 photograph below, by Jude Johnston (published in Tessa Boffin and Jean Fraser’s Stolen Glances: Lesbians Take Photographs), shows how dykes, for many decades, have been fans of the comfy, rugged up, socks-on makeout sesh. 

Stolen Glances: Lesbians Take Photographs, 1991. Photo by Jude Johnston. Sourced @onyour.knees.

Let’s discuss aesthetics. In my humble lesbian eyes, there are numerous reasons why socks look and feel so sexy. First, there’s something so intimate about someone rocking socks and jocks, like they’re in the process of getting out of a hot dyke outfit and are getting ready to lounge around and watch L Word re-runs with just you. You’ve poured them a wine, they’re pulling off their pants and are in full comfy dyke mode, shuffling around in their socks, à la Kristen Stewart here.

A good smart sock is essential to a good sexy suit (gay). Applying the “I’ll just slip into something more comfortable” logic from before, that’s why this image of trans icon Elliot Page is so bloody sexy to me. 

And don’t even get me STARTED on Doechii in socks and a jockstrap. 

Plus, whether it’s crops, singlets, hot jocks or socks, masc dykes have truly mastered the art of the undergarment – particularly as that industry is so heavily gendered and size-exclusive (thank you, Butch Is Not A Dirty Word for making this section so fun to fact-check).

Kris Grimes, photo taken by Esther Godoy for Butch Is Not A Dirty Word.

As one final point, shoes without socks are aggressively heterosexual. I shan’t be linking an example, but I’m thinking rich white boys with boat shoes – little piggies just raw-dogging in there. Horrifying. 

So, we respect your sock choices whether they’re for looks, sensory preferences, dykey activities or just general vibes – go forth and sock. 

– TheSocksStayOn (aka Anonymous Dyke #3)

Phone-a-Dyke is Archer’s new queer advice column. Got a question you want answered? Submit it here.