Welcome back to Archer’s queer advice series: Phone-a-Dyke.

Think of this as your very queer Agony Aunt column mixed with Dolly Doctor, but minus the questionable advice that’ll definitely give you a UTI. 

You have questions (we assume), and we have answers (probably), so let’s solidify this relationship in proper dyke fashion: quickly, seriously and with a promise it won’t get messy or involve our exes (it probably will). 

So, who is the dyke on the other end of the phone? Less of an individual and more an entity – a hive mind, if you will – the dyke in question is an amalgamation of the Archer team and beyond: a gaggle of dykes, lesbians, gays, bisexuals, trans folks, cis folks, pansexuals – oh my!

If we don’t know the answer to your question, rest assured we’ll find an expert in the community who does.

Photo: Rebecca Mosca

Got a question for the dykes to discuss? Submit it here.

Today’s Q:

Hello to the mysterious and wise dykes of Archer Mag…

So, I want to start dating but am still quite confused about my own attraction and have basically no sexual experience.

I am in my early twenties and have been publicly out as transgender for a number of years; I worry my comfortability being out as trans will make me seem more confident/experienced than I am when it comes to my sexuality.

I want to be honest with potential partners about where I’m at, but worry that I won’t meet expectations if I seem like a queer pro but am actually a total baby gay.

I guess I’m looking for advice about navigating queer dating as a beginner with no clue (and who feels too old to be so inexperienced).

I hope my question isn’t too niche! Thanks for reading <3

– SecretBabyGay

A:

Dear SecretBabyGay,

Thank you for your very blessed question. And for calling us wise. 

Let’s start here: this question is not niche! But there is an interesting phenomenon that stops people loudly and proudly discussing anxiety around dating inexperience.

There’s this idea that being queer and sexually open/experienced means you’re liberated and empowered, particularly if mainstream society doesn’t want us to be proud of our sexuality.While that holds truth, it means that the inverse can feel true as well: that sexual inexperience (or nonchalance towards sex) makes you reserved, disempowered or repressed. This absolutely isn’t the case. There are so many valid reasons that people choose to not have sex, or just haven’t had much. And that doesn’t make you less queer.

All of this to say, you’re certainly not alone in this situation. It’s pretty likely you’ll end up on a date with someone who has navigated this feeling at some stage. 

Saying “communication is key” sounds cliche, because it’s understandable you feel nervous. However, this exact communication is so important, and will serve as a vibe check / flag raiser when talking to potential partners. 

If someone reacts poorly to you expressing your nerves around not meeting expectations, they’re outing themselves as a less than ideal sexual partner for you right now. Or, as one of the trendier, younger dykes on staff said: “skill issue tbh”. If they feel as though getting intimate will mean they’re “educating” you, that’s their prerogative. In my eyes, they’re missing the ingredients of truly great queer sex: communication, respect and a unique dynamic based on the desires and boundaries of two or more individual people.

Even experienced fuckers are going to be better in the bedroom (or the club bathroom) if they bring an openness to communication and different approaches for different individuals they’re hooking up with. 

Being comfortable in your transness is fucking cool. I’m so stoked for you. The trans journey (from personal experience) takes courage, reflection and developing a deep compassion for yourself. I’d invite you to utilise these sharpened tools you’ve got in your (gay) toolbelt to help you address your confusion or nervousness around sex. You’ve honoured and met yourself so many times already, and look at you now!

Time is famously a cis-hetero construct, so don’t sweat that your age and experience feel misaligned (also, you’re in your early 20s, you spring chook!). ‘Normal’ milestones for life and sexual experience were designed by Big Hetero to make people feel inadequate or abnormal.

Us queers are all on our own journeys, and that diversity and difference is the beauty of our communities. Your potential dating pals should be on board with that. 

As for dating tips, make sure CoStar thinks you’re compatible, and ALWAYS talk about your parents’ attachment styles on date one. Just kidding… (kind of). 

Dating is wild. Allow yourself to feel the rollercoaster of thrills and spills, and show yourself a lot of kindness. Never shrink or change yourself to meet someone’s expectations, and remember that upfront communication (about things just like this!) is very hot. Being honest and open will invite the person you’re interested in to do the same. It’s a beautiful gift. 

Lastly, if you’re comfortable with it, experimenting with solo sex can help you figure out just what makes you tick, which can make it easier to communicate with sexy pals just what you’re into. 

Chat to your trusted friends about your dating trials and tribulations; they’ll hopefully normalise all the weirdness. 

You’ve got this, SecretBabyGay. May your future be sexy (at a pace that feels comfortable).

– SexIsWeirdForEveryone (aka Anonymous Dyke #6)

Phone-a-Dyke is Archer’s new queer advice column. Got a question you want answered? Submit it here.