Welcome back to Archer’s queer advice series: Phone-a-Dyke.

Think of this as your very queer Agony Aunt column mixed with Dolly Doctor, but minus the questionable advice that’ll definitely give you a UTI. 

You have questions (we assume), and we have answers (probably), so let’s solidify this relationship in proper dyke fashion: quickly, seriously and with a promise it won’t get messy or involve our exes (it probably will). 

So, who is the dyke on the other end of the phone? Less of an individual and more an entity – a hive mind, if you will – the dyke in question is an amalgamation of the Archer team and beyond: a gaggle of dykes, lesbians, gays, bisexuals, trans folks, cis folks, pansexuals – oh my!

If we don’t know the answer to your question, rest assured we’ll find an expert in the community who does.

Check out all episodes of Phone-a-Dyke here.

All images: Olivia Mròz

Got a question for the dykes to discuss? Submit it here.

Today’s Q:

Hello to the team of dykes,

Can you please help? I’m a queer woman keen to explore my sexual identity with a professional. What are the best steps to take to procure a sex worker’s services in a way that’s safe, ethical and enjoyable for all parties as a queer woman?

Thank you in advance!

– Anonymous Hornbag

A:

Dear Anonymous Hornbag,

Experienced full-service sex worker here, very excited to answer your query!

I’m so glad you’re interested in exploring this with a professional. I’m a big fan of queers seeking services from sex workers – not JUST because I’d love to have more clients that aren’t cis-het men… there are other reasons, and they’re totally legit, I swear!

Firstly, the practical information: in so-called Australia, you can either see a private worker or go to a brothel, and laws vary state-to-state. Private workers can be found on various directories and may provide incalls (where they host), outcalls (where you host), or offer a choice. They might ask you to pay a deposit upfront to secure your booking, and often will verify your identity by asking you for some personal info.

In an establishment (in states where it’s legal), you can either book ahead or just walk in. Once you enter, you’ll be shown to a small anteroom to meet workers one-by-one, or a lounge area, for what’s called an “intro”. You can chat about the services each worker offers, what you’re looking for, and enquire about the costs associated.

In private intros, you’re unlikely to encounter other clients, but in a lounge intro, you might. You can call the parlour ahead of time to get a lay of the land.

I’d also recommend calling ahead of time to see if the establishment and workers are open to seeing women, or clients of any gender – receptionists might direct you to certain workers.

Regardless of format, full-service sex workers (FSSWs) basically always charge by the hour, and some charge more (“extras”) for specific sex acts or experiences. You can ask for quotes based on your desires: don’t be afraid to get specific! Approach it respectfully and don’t try to haggle. Directness is not rude –  we really appreciate clarity!

I will say – if you find an establishment where reception welcomes clients of any gender, you’ll probably cause a flurry of excitement among the workers. Generally speaking, sex workers are queer as hell. A woman or a trans person in an intro is a rare delight for the gays and theys who are probably on shift.

Image: Amelia by Olivia Mròz, 2014. @oliviamroz

If you go private, there are a variety of online directories where you can search by services to find what you’re looking for. Workers’ ads often say outright if they’re queer, and some offer special LGBTQ rates – a surefire way to tell you’re seeing someone who has queer sex for fun as well as profit.

Sites will provide a contact form, an email address and/or a phone number. Check the ad for specifics, but generally you’ll be welcomed with open arms if your initial message contains your name, the date and length of time you’d like to book, and a brief description of the kind of service you’re after.

Saying “I’m a queer person interested in exploring my sexuality” is perfect for a first contact! You can (and should) get more detailed in subsequent messages, but keep the first one simple.

Now the practical side has been covered, let’s break down your question a bit: you say you’re looking for an experience that’s safe, ethical and enjoyable for all parties.

In terms of sexual health, sex workers in Australia have some of the lowest STI rates of any sexually active population – we’re pretty much THE experts on practical risk management. There’s some variation in specific practices between providers, so feel free to ask if there’s any particulars you want to use or know if the provider uses, such as dental dams, gloves, etc.

To keep your provider safe, you can get a sexual health screening in advance, inform them about any risks you may carry (such as currently non-symptomatic herpes or HPV), and avoid attending your booking if you’ve got any cold/flu/COVID-type symptoms.

Next, let’s look at the idea of an ethical experience: I think there’s an unfounded concern among some queer people that paying for sexual services is somehow inherently unethical or exploitative. We could get right into the weeds of whether any labour in this late capitalist nightmare is truly non-exploitative (probs not tbh), but really, there’s nothing inherently more exploitative about hiring a sex worker than a massage therapist, hairdresser or cleaner.

There are, of course, exploitative, unethical behaviours from bosses and clients in the sex industry (even in decriminalised states) and there are some establishments that workers will recommend avoiding. A quick Google should help you out with that, or booking an independent worker cuts out the middleman. 

Image: Depth – Finally the Sun by Olivia Mròz, 2024. @oliviamroz

Finally, enjoyment – the fun part! If you find someone you’re compatible with and you’re upfront about your desires, your enjoyment should (hopefully!) take care of itself.

Think about what you want out of the experience in advance: are there particular acts you’re interested in, or certain dynamics you’d like to play out? Perhaps you’ve got a specific kinky scene you’d like to try, or a toy you’ve never used before. Do you want to be touched or not touched in certain places, or in certain ways?

Let the worker know your level of experience and what you want to get out of the booking as clearly as you can, and you’re well-placed to have a great time.

In terms of enjoyment for the worker, my number one tip is to not overthink it. Understand that this is a job, and regardless of whether they’re more enthusiastic about seeing you than they might be about their usual clientele, you’re still paying them for their time and expertise.

They’re doing their job by providing you with the service you’ve requested. If you are communicative, clean, on time and follow all the sex worker’s requests around screening, payment, etc., you’re pretty much guaranteed to be in their good books. 

If they have a great time sexually as well, that’s a bonus, but please don’t tie yourself in knots worrying they might be ‘faking it’. If you’re relaxed about it, they’re probably going to have a much better time than if they feel they have to reassure you! 

So, do your research, be respectful and direct, and you’re on your way to having some brilliant queer sex. Have fun out there, hornbag!

– ComeAndSeeMeSomeTime (aka Anonymous Dyke #9)

Phone-a-Dyke is Archer’s new queer advice column. Got a question you want answered? Submit it here.