Welcome back to Archer’s queer advice series: Phone-a-Dyke.

Think of this as your very queer Agony Aunt column mixed with Dolly Doctor, but minus the questionable advice that’ll definitely give you a UTI.

Check out all episodes of Phone-a-Dyke here.

Got a question for the dykes to discuss? Submit it here.

Image: Louie Castro-Garcia

Today’s Q:

Dear dykes,

I moved from the UK to Australia last year, hoping to form a queer community quickly. At first, I attended a few events and went to the (few) lesbian bars I could find… and found no one. I also am finding it hard to get a date using dating apps.

How can I actually find lesbians/queer people in Naarm and not feel alienated by this extremely cliquey ‘community’ I find here? Thanks!

– LonelyLes

A:

Dear Lonely Les,

Moving cities is hard! And moving countries is even harder. I’ve done it a lot and I’m here to tell you what has come to be the Phone-a-Dyke catch phrase: you are not alone!

First of all, congratulations for making the move and for putting yourself out there! It’s not easy, and it sounds like you have already been actively seeking community and going to events. That’s hard! Loneliness is real when you move. So give yourself some kindness and some kudos.

Unfortunately, as with all good things in life, finding a community takes time. I identify so much with that desire to quickly infiltrate an expansive new queer community, but I have found in my many times moving cities and countries, that these things always emerge at a slower pace than my desperate heart wants. Developing deep friendships and community just takes time.

Naarm/Melbourne can certainly be cliquey, but in my experience, so is everywhere – I have had similar experiences in many places, including the UK. I would challenge you to shift this perspective from ‘Naarm is cliquey’ to ‘finding my people will take time’.

Moving cities comes with big excitement and big challenges – it’s a chance for reinvention and bringing your new self to the table. But I’ve sometimes found that it also makes me try to reinvent myself a little too much. I want to be more confident, more sexy, more queer (what does this even mean??) – just more, more, more.

Loneliness is real when you move. So give yourself some kindness and some kudos.

The reality is that even though we are in a new place and can make new impressions, we are still inevitably and indescribably ourselves! There is good news here too: the queer community is multifaceted and broad, and there is a place for you – it just may take a while to find it.

I’ve never had much success finding community in club or bar spaces. They’re noisy, hard to talk in, and usually people are already there in groups of friends. But the great thing about Naarm is there are queers everywhere!

So my advice on making queer friends is this:

If you are feeling alienated by certain communities and not finding a foothold there, stop pushing. Don’t waste your precious energy showing up for people who aren’t showing up for you.

Instead, think about what activities and interests you have outside the queer community. What excites you and makes your heart sing? What hobbies do you love or activities do you enjoy? Do them! Queers are everywhere, not just at the lesbian bars.

Sally Rugg once said, on the occasion of Lesbian Visibility Day, that “lesbians are very visible to each other”. And never a truer word was spoken.

Who can describe the unspeakable joy of turning up to your pottery class, and across the room spying one of your kind. It’s a great bonding experience to be the queers in class together, and in this situation you have in-built interests to talk about: Love how you trimmed that foot ring, fellow queer (pottery chat anyone?).

Making queer friends can look like joining a sports team (spoiler: they will likely all be gay, so Queer Sporting Alliance is a great place to start). You could try joining a gym (such as Pony Club or TGen), running with Lesbirun, going birdwatching with Melbourne Queer Birders, hiking (Lesbirun also organises hikes), joining a bookclub (like Bernie’s Book Club, or here’s a few more!), doing some queer trivia (such as at Flippy’s), appreciating wine at the Lesbian Wine Club, learning about ecology and fungi with the Trans* Ecology Club, going to the pool or playing pool with Dykes Dip – the possibilities are endless!

Who can describe the unspeakable joy of turning up to your pottery class, and across the room spying one of your kind.

Bond with the people who are interested in what you’re in interested in. You’ll have something genuine to talk about, plus you’ve got that extra bond of being queer!

And don’t forget whatever reason you chose to come to Australia: go on that trip, swim in that ocean, see that koala along the Great Ocean Road. And remember, you can still call on your support network from across the world for some heart connection while you are finding your feet.

As for the dating apps, they are mysterious. No one knows what will happen. It’s a bit of a game of chance, and so while it’s good to roll the dice, don’t take it too hard if it’s not feeling good. It’s okay to take a break. The only place I was ever very popular on them was Germany. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

If you want to try a different tack, there are lots of sapphic speed dating events in Melbourne run by Flippys, Amplify Bookstore (who run a lot of great community events) and Beers for Queers.

Queers are everywhere, not just at the lesbian bars.

Most importantly, keep trying! You’re already doing it, and it’s hard. Be kind to yourself! Hang in there, because it will happen, and it will probably happen differently to the way you imagined.

My most recent move – when I spent three months working in Canada – I met someone very early in my travels who was queer and in a queer arts community, and I thought, This is my in! This is gonna be awesome. But due to busy schedules, we never hung out again and I was so disappointed.

The disappointment is real, especially as you are imagining a new life. It’s okay to feel it.

Later in Canada, I found myself at a conference in a cute group of queer trans besties, and even though they all lived interstate and overseas, I ended up having lots of places to stay along my travels.

So don’t give up! Keep going, stay present and be open to multiple possibilities. Don’t fixate too much on a singular path, and you will find your people out there.

– Arctic Tern Sterna Paradisaea (migratory bird joke???? See you at Melbourne Queer Birders everyone!) (aka Anonymous Dyke #18)

Phone-a-Dyke is Archer’s queer advice column. Got a question you want answered? Submit it here.