Welcome back to Archer’s queer advice series: Phone-a-Dyke.

Think of this as your very queer Agony Aunt column mixed with Dolly Doctor, but minus the questionable advice that’ll definitely give you a UTI.

Check out all episodes of Phone-a-Dyke here.

Got a question for the dykes to discuss? Submit it here.

Image: Egor Ivlev

Today’s Q:

Dear dykes,

I’m a latecomer lesbian (came out in my late 20s) and I’m figuring stuff out, but I’m very confused about the top vs bottom thing. There seem to be a lot of rules about tops vs bottoms, not just in sex but in partnerships and even friendships. Everyone seems to know their spot except me. A few of my friends are cis gay men and their opinions are not helpful because the rules seem to be different over there. How can I figure out my label? Can you give me some examples of top and bottom behaviour that might help me figure out where I sit?

Thank you.

– QueerInTraining

A:

Hello QueerInTraining,

Thank you for your question, and welcome to the queer community! Okay, let’s figure out if you’re a top or a bottom.

Do you put on both socks first before shoes? Bottom energy. Or do you go sock, shoe, sock, shoe? Top energy. Do you sleep on the left side of the bed or the right side? Left side = bottom, right side = top (though this switches if you’re left-handed). Fire or water sign? Okay, scratch all this – I’m fucking with you.

Figuring out if you are a top of a bottom truly is not that reductive or binary, and I think that’s so cool!! As queer people, especially early in on our journeys, we’re often wanting to put ourselves in a box, because we’ve felt othered our entire lives. The box can feel like a helpful place where we can name and/or figure out our identity. But we all contain so much; we hold so much variety – and the same goes for the types of sex we have.

I came out in my early twenties, and spent the remainder of my twenties really trying it all on. I’ve topped, I’ve bottomed, I’ve switched, I’ve done it all. And for me, it really changes from person to person. There are people I have a connection with where I’m like, I want to fuck the shit out of you… and then there are other people I meet and I desperately need them to fist me. For me, it’s very vibes-based… and maybe that’s why I’m more switch-leaning.

Within the queer community, there are so many different types of sex, relationships, bodies, desires, dynamics, which is great! There’s a misconception that topping = penetrating and bottoming = being penetrated exclusively. This is likely a hangover from the language’s usage in cis gay male spaces. For the broader queer community, it’s not as simple as topping means you do exactly this, bottoming means you do exactly that. Generally, it’s more about who likes to take control or take the lead, and who likes to relinquish that control; both can present in so many different ways.

So, to answer your question – how do you know? Try it all on and find out what fits! It’s really just not just the binary of ‘top or bottom’. There are power bottoms, bratty bottoms, service tops, stone tops, etc, which may sound even more confusing at first, but it really just means there are endless expressions, identities and modes you can play around with to see what sticks and what feels good.

Nothing might fit quite right, and that’s okay, too. You definitely don’t have to opt into any labels or boxes that don’t feel right, regardless of any queer ‘rules’ or opinions from friends.

All of it really starts with a few questions you can ask yourself and explore with partners: What do you like? What gets you off? When your horny mind is running at full speed, what sorts of things do you fantasise about?

I also don’t particularly think there are certain behaviours that you can do in the streets that identify your top/bottom status in the sheets. I know we queers love to joke about it, but in reality, I’ve been with some toppy tops who were absolutely baby in our day-to-day, out-of-play dynamic (which meant me = daddy).

If I had to put myself into one of a category, I’d go with switch, because I very much enjoy to be as free as possible to go off vibes with each situation. But if you wanted my longer, more prescriptive answer, I’d say I’m a “bottom-leaning switch who likes to top the tops”. I’m naturally drawn to top-leaning switches who’ll enjoy me railing them and then follow that by railing me even harder (and that cycle continues for five hours because… gay).

Truly, it changing from person to person for me; and I know this is the case for a lot of others! Good communication between you and your sexual partner/s looks like exploring what these roles and dynamics look like, how you’d like to play within or outside of them, and allowing for freedom and curiosity outside just labels or identities.

Feeling comfortable to express your needs and how (or even if) you like to be touched – and allowing space and respect for others to express theirs – is crucial.

It also depends on my mood and capacity. Personally I’m a sex worker, and I spend most of my time topping at work. The same can be said for lot of people in any service-based career. Sometimes when I come home to a partner or have a hook-up/date lined up… I just want someone else to lead the sexual experience so I’ll happily fall into the bottom role.

So, to sum up my advice, the key is to be curious, to communicate and explore.

In the truest sense of the words: fuck around and find out!

– BottomLeaningSwitchToppingTheTops (aka Anonymous Dyke #11)

Phone-a-Dyke is Archer’s queer advice column. Got a question you want answered? Submit it here.