Welcome back to Archer’s queer advice series: Phone-a-Dyke.

Think of this as your very queer Agony Aunt column mixed with Dolly Doctor, but minus the questionable advice that’ll definitely give you a UTI. 

You have questions (we assume), and we have answers (probably), so let’s solidify this relationship in proper dyke fashion: quickly, seriously and with a promise it won’t get messy or involve our exes (it probably will). 

So, who is the dyke on the other end of the phone? Less of an individual and more an entity – a hive mind, if you will – the dyke in question is an amalgamation of the Archer team and beyond: a gaggle of dykes, lesbians, gays, bisexuals, trans folks, cis folks, pansexuals – oh my!

If we don’t know the answer to your question, rest assured we’ll find an expert in the community who does.

Check out all episodes of Phone-a-Dyke here.

Got a question for the dykes to discuss? Submit it here.

Today’s Q:

Dear dykes,

I have always wanted to be one of the mums I see in Woolies shopping for their kids. I’ve always wanted to take kids to soccer practice on a Saturday morning. I’ve always wanted to bicycle with my family to the local organic farmers’ market.

I’ve been looking for another monogamous lesbian who wants to start a family for 15 years. No luck. At this point, in finding someone in my age range, I will probably be looking at a woman already with kids.

The apps have not been helpful, and I’ve joined sports teams to no avail in that respect. I know mums are busy. They aren’t going to be at queer Saturday night dance parties.

How do I meet the woman of my dreams with kiddos without being a creepy woman on the playground?

– Miss Phelps seeks a Miss Honey

A:

Dear Miss Phelps,

Thank you for writing to the mums in the Phone-a-Dyke community about your dating dreams.

I want to start by stating a well-known and very queer fact: families are created in so many different ways, and so are mothers. Personally, I think a lot of people who really want to be parents are already parenting in less recognisable ways. There’s a huge need for loving, supportive foster and kinship carers who look after children that might not otherwise be safe and loved – or help to make sure that they get back to their families.

I feel like we queers are much better (than the cis-heteros) at building more expansive versions of family beyond birth parents and blood relations. So, I’d also say that telling the parents in your life that you really want to be a more involved ‘aunty’ would be a beautiful way to increase your time spent with kids (and maybe opportunities to hang out with other parents).

That aside, if you want to partner with a parent, I’d start by being really open and honest about that, whether on your dating app profiles or in conversations with loved ones and your community. “Putting it out to the universe” is not just a cheap magic trick – saying what you want for your life can help bring clarity and connections with people who wouldn’t otherwise know your aspirations!

I do think that re-partnering for single parents can be very complicated, and is sometimes viewed and undertaken too lightly. I also know how many people have been raised and loved by step-parents who put in the hard work. I reckon you need to prepare for the potential downsides of this, and how many challenges you can expect to face: being with someone who has a higher priority that never changes, feeling on the outside sometimes, losing a relationship with the child/children if things don’t work out.

All of this is up to the adults to manage – minimising the risk and impact for kids – but it requires people to be great communicators, and to embrace humility and vulnerability in measures most people are not used to.

Let’s be real: dating in the contemporary climate is hard, and maybe even harder when you’re serious about finding a meaningful relationship. Being clear, calm and compassionate are going to make all the difference for you.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have fun and look for lightness, too! I know it’s a cliché, but it’s true: sometimes it’s the looking that obscures what you’re trying to find. So stay open to conversations with neighbours, in the supermarket queue, at the protest on Sunday, in the local volunteer group that cleans up the creek, in a pottery class…

What I’m saying is: live your life doing things you love and value, and be alive to possibilities everywhere, because other people want to fall in love and build lives together, too!

And you know what? Lots of those babes at queer club nights and on the apps ARE mums/parents as well, but you’ll have to chat them up to find out. 

I hope you find someone else who wants exactly what you want. It’s really the beauty of our community, isn’t it? Someone for everyone, and whether you’re single or partnered, all of us are in it together.

Good luck out there, Miss Phelps!

– HotMumsInYourLocalArea (aka Anonymous Dyke #11)

Phone-a-Dyke is Archer’s queer advice column. Got a question you want answered? Submit it here.