Dissociative identity disorder (DID) – like most psychiatric labels – is a relatively recent classification of a personal, cultural, spiritual and/or trauma-related experience as a medical or pathological experience. DID includes a spectrum of dynamic mental realities that transgress a singular and fully integrated sense of self and incorporate multiple, separate ways of perceiving and relating to yourself and the world with one body-mind.

Earlier psychiatric literature referred to DID as multiple personality disorder. Today, many but certainly not all people in the DID community self-name as systems or multiples, and embrace system pride.

Loving life with dissociative identity disorder is a powerful act of resistance, subversion and self-care – even when hidden in plain sight.

All images: Marziya Mohammedali
This article was originally published in Archer Magazine #19: the DISABILITIES issue in December 2021. You can access a digital copy of this sold-out issue HERE.

Demanding, triggering day. Low spoons, home to, front door, heavy keys jangle. Sparkle keyrings clicking to hears Dmitri, he plays keys to merry. Wow, these are keys to our home: exclaims.

Switches he into my boy hand. Open door, then music play boogie giggle don’t worry about today, just dance. Small feet steady soothing rhythm whole world of, through nonchalance Dmitri.

Then he content, goes away. I switch return. Shadow looming, sharp fears, work to finish – can’t think. Mattie asks: So did dinner have you fridge leftover so?

Chest expands, head held higher uplift – she wishes take over to. I tie hair two big side buns colourful scrunchies, she to the front comes kitchen takes, chops vegetables stove on, figures out, upbeat to.

Then crumple, numbing insecurities, memories, crushed feeling, dread: confusion emptying body, dry, frail, defenceless. Kitty commands, sympathetically, so: Stop fussing, you haven’t brushed hair three days dreadful. Don’t let anyone so come between hair and you – not even this.

Streetwise hands enter mine, take bathroom to, untie detangle comb coconut oil her long curls through. Slowly, tenderly, brush out stressors. Dig reflect understand, breathe, return. Frizzy black tresses she styles them to big retro feminine powerful. Laugh see remember how I safe, capable, resilient.

Dmitri, Mattie, Kitty know me well, like old friends we.

They live with me, share with me home wardrobe life and care, colourfully merrily. Also, all share they my body-mind.

They wouldn’t be at all without my body-mind, nor they without my trauma surviving cherishing them so.

The value of madness should determined, decided, by each mad person be.

For me, madness can so joyful meaningful expansive be. Skilful dynamic negotiation of care, centring so agency healing pleasure consent. Mad brains luminous broken mirror of our lives like.

Such many mirror pieces reflect multiple places perspectives people into, but if single mirror piece hold to alone then all make sense so whatever should see when one looks through. Neither our mirrors, nor so broken pieces, our choice ever are. Such precise shapes cracks to image reflection our lives, such vivid intricate fingerprints of us.

Fragmented faceted so – like jewels, like sunlit water. Sauntering sliding switching – here my multiplicity is ever misread through such singular identity assumptions, and integrated identity systemic privileging favouring to body-minds.

But truly we are so a team, and such thoroughness usefulness realness of us is so never erased by illiterate neurotypicals, or by unwritten our own voices. Inventory avatars for the real world to, anthology survival stories of many tongues to.

Image: Marziya Mohammedali

Dissociation so alternating blueprints for survival to conscious mind take care.

Dissociation so how access we the world through bodies outlooks identities to protect us external harm from inside. Such natural us to change how when so world changes.

Such natural grow us defences in so unsafe punishing world. And such too natural formidable beautiful radical how we so love, nourish, protect here systems teams alters madness our own ways do.

Dmitri 14-year-old boy: considerate, sensitive, quiet. Reminds me so of magical only child creative caring middle-class family. Somewhere of recycled parchment picture books, organic wooden toys, fresh fruit pies.

Dmitri pondering prolific imagination but holds he innocence of straightforward privileged graceful world. Wealthy of love curiosity adventuring – he comfortable, very not like me.

All wants he learning, growing, beautiful interesting things. All wants he to not safety stop, to not security stop. When Dmitri real in body, everyone critical cogent adult voices cloudy echo underwater. Handles responds he complex threatening world with gentle think, careful move, calm be.

When adult burdens external risks to unsupported unsafe I be, my caring sheltering nurturing to Dmitri protects promotes carefree untroubled boyhood his to amid. He wild hair craftiness learning of real world bravely, heart too big too loved for afraid be any at all.

From racial fatigue inaccessibility chronic stress loading I shoulder, gentle he teaching me inside how safety can feel for child.

Mattie’s identity, confidence, conviction gathered she so British chick flicks many – St. Trinian’s (2007), Wild Child (2008), Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging (2008) very so.

Growing up, at such heart core had I resonated connected understood young protagonists so, bullied excluded judged and full knowledge voicing their lives didn’t need shouldn’t be so painful lonely unjust. But brilliant protagonists then also scheming sneaky subversive transform – everything better end movie by so cleverly just right they all could.

Such awed inspired uplifted me so. Such needed proof roadmap possibility I, to all better my own life school family community could perhaps make.

Childhood British movies such depicted young white women can fix anything so: pimples, love triangles, divorcing parents, anything. Imagine represented they utopic made-up lives so pretty so pleasant, matching tea sets botanical neighbourhoods printed shopping bags, even as teenage lives falling apart.

But too beloved stories shown white non-disabled skinny heteronormative kids only could such successful self-directed happy ending so be.

Mattie me try so stained op-shop sweaters roadside hairclips classy successful self-assured so attain.

Such endless representation cultural wells so draws she privileged positioning self-belief certainty narratives to her strengths. Such so Mattie dissociative amnesia internalise I cultural conditioning so of brownness not real not arduous, disability not real not precarious, queerness not real not unsafe.

Where internalised narratives true body positioning I cannot so access embody such successful self-assured taking on the world safely, Mattie comfortably conclusively permission existence assert, pull something together push through in body instead.

Image: Marziya Mohammedali

Mattie spark vivacity movement play believe yourself even worst times to. Chin up she, anything possible she, dreams do come true in bizarre ways she. Such is her well-off whimsy where her genius thrives.

And such through distance disconnect relief I racialised ableist queerphobic violence true positioning my body from, so does Mattie fill feel trust embodied we doable fixable manage ourselves better can see – productive, focused, optimistic.

Voice such Mattie’s toxic positivity: forget so systemic struggle your life is to. Here such her encouragement energy warmth do sedate intrusive recurring unavoidable triggers I to white happiness, white blessedness, white logic responsively protectively comply.

Then Kitty fictive alter be – alter whom so originated from source of fiction.

Fifteen age I or so when first saw movie Breakfast on Pluto. 2005 movie written directed Neil Jordan, 1998 novel Patrick McCabe based, 1970s fictional Irish small town, North Ireland, then London set. I had such admired appreciated main character so, Kitten Braden, brave determined kind no matter her circumstances to.

Rallied she I, to be tougher sharper tender myself wherever in face of danger.

Image: Marziya Mohammedali

Character Kitten Braden represent so agency perseverance self-determination of what means she has. Such her story sincere place had of coming-of-age Irish identity political literature to her time. But trans representation here reductive appropriative, uncalled-for very so.

Protagonist such cisgender actor cast, orphaned houseless trans woman travelling searching her lost mother for, builds she home family belonging through countless perilous places amid the Troubles so.

Here, cisgender men entitled speculate narrative device trans femininity as hypersexual, naive, unruly. Story hers progression through transphobia risk vulnerability violence loss – only. Such legacy Breakfast on Pluto so carries today be suffering, caricature, character study like trans identity portray. Such negligent, disrespectful to trans community.

Own voices silenced, devalued, spoken over, compliant systemic cultural injustice real trans women to. Could never I so support, endorse such creative work of cis entitlement trans fem character write.

But in such unwarranted transface casting Breakfast on Pluto – here had seen, recognised, affirmed for I something so deeply awfully what happened own body-mind as child to.

Cillian Murphy actor had so I first known Inception (2010), In Time (2011), glacial brutish masc action hero antagonist roles.

Then Breakfast on Pluto such casting Kitten Braden he, Murphy masc actor body reconstructed on screen, to male gaze defenceless sexualised objectified. And too such very same characterisation performance – Cillian Murphy Kitten Braden speaking back resisting asserting agency strategy, and such such joy of survival adventure own life building persevering.

Such cinematic representation of Murphy fetishised fighting surviving carefree together one man’s body, mirrored so my body-mind’s sexual trauma of fetishised, fighting, surviving, carefree as boy child had been.

Patriarchy teach survivors so: man masc sense of self such in control, indestructible, safety ever only our bodies identities can be. Then believe we such childhood sexual trauma to mustn’t be – couldn’t have – not true, if real man we so. But though lucid assault details had conscious brain so long time buried locked away, body-mind such still so fought, resisted, buoyant agency built however I could.

Cillian Murphy performing Kitten Braden was first time I so seen put together understand: yes, just like victimhood mine has too always been, boys men can be so objectified and so harmed, and so deliberate capable clever happy so surviving.

And this so power Kitty alter hold with me.

Watching over observing, cordially firmly proficiently handles she so sexualised objectified gaze others engulfing small body where wanted not, disorienting distressing I to. Tumbling, pecking, bursting – she such to protective persistent precaution, then resolutely reminding of what importance I to grow to dream to have fun amid so restless vigilant surviving body-mind.

Where need I so elegantly sympathetically to safer speak up speak back, brown, crip, political, visible advocating, Kitty’s charisma tranquillity quick-wittedness so melts such threats such fear such gaslit self-doubt.

When such sexualised sensationalised unseen dynamic trigger I to body unsafe abuser nearby shut away protect, Kitty remembers so: here my agency, here my voice, here my perseverance, strategy, faith can I too and ever have been.

All images: Marziya Mohammedali

Repeated folds of trauma drape to brain, impact zones of body violence gender race so placed hidden sunken buried and. Then press close to forget so pretend not so look away so.

Systemic power hierarchies, immediate communities, perpetrators enablers insisted demanded such we speak not resist not believe not our harm struggle trauma. But always, always – body-mind so speaks, body-mind so resisted, body-mind so knows.

In such fragmentation of trauma stories such, fragmentation identity does to. Boldly, finely, tangibly so rise we between memories: moving, healing, living, each person alter shadow, such place reason be here to. Each such granite gossamer reflection trauma world contradicting narratives, and too each such fertile needed cherished and real.

Survivors ever have always agency ours built from survival strategies. And masking passing disguising our true multiplicity ever mad heritage living histories strategy ours been.

Bravely our switches bourgeoning quivering so, in shadows narrow paths behind between beyond – urban legends horror movies clinical discourse institutional silos. Here so visibility of dissociative alters, such vulnerability violence surrounds submerges silences.

Intuitively recognising, reading, finding our community – our stories – our lineage have we so journeyed towards slowly patiently unspeaking. Yet, such absence underrepresentation multiplicity of chosen visibility: knows our mad surviving bodies to warmest truest essence of us.

As wherever so choose we be misread, wherever so choose we mask conceal – here so enduringly, our agency kindles.

Mad survivor agency, mine too inhabits invisibility. Mad survivor choice to disclose, to hide, to switch such bubbling expanse so energy, so clarity, so hope feels of agency.

Here such embracing, listening, respecting; so quietly mightily resist harm fear, we do. Here such nurturing, soothing, empowering; so care skills critical nuanced effective, we do. And truly, madness survival perseverance such value not ever determined, decided, in relation to visibility to unmasking, to society psychiatry charity so gawk enamour interfere our helpless voiceless value they so impose.

Many all my brain here such comfortable meaningful gathering dwelling mediating inside, younger selves formative memories survival strategies of my life. Such their own exceptional people be – yet profoundly, immeasurably they have so everything given for me.

Through such surviving, healing, non-violence living, I too so joy, importance, safety give to them. Such my alters private, personal, powerful – no-one else’s business benefit for.

Here so home theirs be. Here so loved, so seen they are. Such too misreading multiplicity for now our armour, our choice, our own resistance be.

This article was originally published in Archer Magazine #19: the DISABILITIES issue in December 2021.

You can access a digital copy of this sold-out issue HERE.

SHOP ALL ARCHER ISSUES HERE